Better news

Ok, so the bleeding seems to have stopped. It went on for maybe 2 hours last night. Not very much blood, but enough to be terrifying. Definitely not spotting. Anyway, I woke up this morning and there was nothing, thank God. 

I updated the nurse this morning and she said that was what she was expecting and she was happy to hear it. She said it may continue. No sex (as if), no exercise, no vacuuming, no lifting Little T, but otherwise, just go about my day (again, as if!)

I'm feeling better about it and really just hoping and praying for the best. I go back on Feb 10th (almost 2 weeks away) for my ultrasound. It is really going to take forever now! But I'm actually feeling positive. I woke up nauseous this morning, which I'm taking as a good sign. Most of me truly believes that everything is going to be fine.

Any prayers, good thoughts, etc. are majorly appreciated. Thanks!!

So scared...warning TMI

I was sitting on the couch talking to J, watching Little T do a puzzle, when I felt a small gush in my underwear. I figured it was just the lovely discharge of pregnancy. I was wrong. Very wrong. It was blood. I went to pee a few minutes later and saw the bright blood in my underwear. Then a few small clots in the toilet. Instant terror. I called the emergency nurse line and got an operator who said they would call back within 30 mins.

20 excrutiating minutes later, the phone rang. My usual nurse, Ann had called back. She told me that I was the third call like this she's had today. She told me how very common it is in early pregnancy, especially with IVF. Something about how they implant the embryos... She told me all my symptoms sounded normal and that I should just watch it. Make sure I didn't soak through a heavy pad in an hour. If I did, it was off to the ER. But if not, I'm supposed to watch myself, drink loads of fluids and call her with an update tomorrow. I told her I was feeling dizzy and nauseous, but she thinks that's because I'm so upset. 

I'm doing my very best to believe my nurse, who didn't seem worried at all and hope that all is well. Please pray for us, if you do that sort of thing. I'm scared to death. I really want this pregnancy. 

5 weeks 1 day

Wow. The fatigue has set in. I had such an awesome weekend with my girlfriends up in NH. We laughed, danced, snowshoed, ate, shopped and just had the best time. I definitely stayed up too late both nights, and it was worth it, but wow! I am tired today!

I've spent the day cleaning up after J and Little T's weekend of fun and getting my usual work and chores done. I've been puzzling and playing with Little T too. And took her to her well-child checkup. She is a trooper! Didn't even flinch with the flu shot. And she's as healthy as can be, which I'm always grateful for.

But now that the day is winding down, I'm finding that I'm just exhausted. I could probably fall asleep standing up. And I have had a few waves of nausea over the last few days. And my first aversion and craving. Bacon made me incredibly nauseous, while carrots were the tastiest things ever (very unusual for me). 

Time is ever so slowly ticking by on our journey toward the first ultrasound. Two weeks from today. It can't come soon enough!

4 weeks 5 days pregnant

So I forgot to report my results from my second beta. It was great. 1585, which is more than doubled. I'm very pleased with this. My progesterone was 15.5 which she told me was good. And they have scheduled my ultrasound for Feb 10th. That's when we'll find out how many are in there. I can not wait!!

In more painful news, they also told me I have to continue with my PIO shots and Estrace until 10 weeks. Ugggh. My backside is covered in red dots and bruising from the shots and I'm so sore. But if this is what it takes, that's what we do!

As far as symptoms, I don't really have too many yet. It's still so early. Just fatigue, which is getting worse everyday. Very sore back, which could be from my tilted uterus. And some mild nausea if I go too long without eating. 

I've been losing weight so I started adding some light snacks to my schedule.

This weekend I'm excited to be heading out for a girl's weekend up in NH. I'm sad that I won't be able to ski or ride, but I'm planning to do some snowshoeing, which will be nice. Get some fresh (frickin cold) air! 

Have a nice weekend!

Beta day!!

Happy Martin Luther King day! Or Happy beta day!!!

I woke up early this morning and high tailed it to the doc's office for my blood draw at 7:30 am. Then I (im)patiently waited the 5+ hours for a result. :(

Ok, so to give you an idea. On 15dpo (today for me), the average beta hCG level for a single pregnancy is around 139. For twins, it's 263. My nurses said they were hoping for over 100. So, what was my number, you ask?

680.

Whaaaaat?! How many are in there?! We only transferred two, so it's probably just two, but there is always the chance of one embryo splitting (identicals), so technically there could be up to four. Obviously, that would be incredibly rare. We're thinking it's twins, but that I just happen to have high numbers, which some women do. 

I'll go back on Wednesday for another blood draw to be sure that our numbers are doubling nicely. I really can't wait until we get an ultrasound to find out how many babies we have in there! Eek! So happy!

I am superwoman!

Tonight I gave myself my own PIO intramuscular shot in the booty! My sister-in-law was my witness (and back up in case I chickened out or passed out!) 

But I worked up the courage and stuck that 1 1/2 inch needle in my butt. It bled a little and hurt for a quick second, but then it was over and I am proud.

Going to bed feeling like superwoman tonight. 

9dp5dt - frosties!

I've been checking the mail obsessively all week to see if we got our news about how many embryos were frozen, if any. Still nothing in the mailbox. But today, over a week after our transfer, I decided to call and ask them. I'm very happy to report that we have 3 frosties waiting for us, should we need them.

Other than that, there's nothing much to report. I've been tired all day, waking up early to pee (mostly on pregnancy tests), sore breasts, sporadic mild nausea, but otherwise, no big changes. My lines on the pregnancy tests I keep taking (every morning since Wednesday) keep getting darker, which is solidifying the reality of it for me. I just hope that tomorrow's blood test will give us a little more information. 

There are two factors to consider. 

HCG levels: The higher the number tomorrow, the more likely it's twins.

And Doubling times: They will take my blood tomorrow and then take it again two days later to see how fast the numbers are doubling. The faster the doubling time, the better the chance that it's twins. 

So, more waiting!! You'd think I'd start getting good at this, but nope.

Ok, halftime is over. Go Pats!!

7dp5dt it's slowly sinking in

Im very slowly coming to terms with the wonderful fact that we're pregnant. I spent a lot of today googling pictures of pregnancy tests at 12dpo (which is today for me) and found that my HCG seems to be higher than most. (My line is darker than most). This makes me think that we have a big possibility of twins. Which excites AND terrifies me. 

My emotions are all over the place so far, which is consistent with my test results! ;) I'm oscillating between relief, happiness, terror, elation, fear, anxiety, and shock. Which, I guess is to be expected. I'm mostly just feeling happy, but J is in full action mode. He's talking about moving and buying vans, and strollers and cribs and it's really freaking me out, but I get where he's coming from. I just hope he slows it down some! I still haven't even had my blood test! One thing at a time!

Anyway, physically, I'm feeling well. I've been feeling really tired and had a few waves of the mildest nausea. Wouldn't it be wonderful if that were the worst of it?! Amazing...but unlikely! I can feel things happening down in my uterus, hard to explain but general "under construction" feelings.

Well, better get some work done while Little T is napping...or more likely google some more stuff I shouldn't, like pregnant twin bellies and other terrifying things!

Peeing on everything...

Top to bottom...Wednesday (5dp5dt), Thursday (6dp5dt), Friday (7dp5dt). They're getting darker!! Hooray!!

From PUPO to Pregnant!

I was on my way home from work on Wednesday when I decided I was going to test again. I just knew I wouldn't be able to wait, not even for First Morning Urine. J had bought me some more sensitive tests and I was itching to give them a try.

Actually, I was sweating, and shaking, and my heart was beating a million miles a minute...for my whole 45 minute commute. I was gearing up. 

So I tore into the house, let the dog out, very impatiently waited for him to finish his business, threw my purse and bag and child in various places on the way to the bathroom. Ran back, put Mickey Mouse on to distract the child for the 3 minutes I would need.

Peed. Dipped. Waited. Stared at that test for a full minute. The control line came up right away but nothing else! So I covered it and just resigned myself to the fact that it would probably be negative. At the three minute mark (almost 5 hours later) I lifted the cover and saw the faintest of lines right there where it was always blank. I was pregnant. The line was faint but unmistakeable.

I snapped a picture to my sister and called my husband. He was in shock but happy. I'd say mostly relieved actually. 

When T got her picture she didn't see the second line and scolded me for testing too early. I had to tell her...zoom in!! Then she saw it and was thrilled for us too, but not before asking if it could be a false positive. I told her no and she was so happy!

I've since told my mother and siblings and Jamie's parents and now all of you! It makes me really nervous that people know this early, but with all the people who helped out with this cycle, there was really no way of avoiding it. If you know me in real life, which almost all of you do, please make sure to keep this to yourselves. We have a long way to go and I don't plan to tell people outside of my close friends and family until later. 

I now have the tough job of waiting until Monday for my beta numbers and then waiting for an ultrasound to see if we will have one or two little miracles. Yikes!!

I just want to take a second to say thanks to all of you who have gotten us here. It's been such a long road and so many of you sent texts and emails and phone calls and hugs and words of support. I can't tell you how much it helped. How loved we feel. And I hope our bab(ies) will one day feel all that love and know how much they were wanted....by all of us!

Wordless Wednesday

I'm scared

In the interest of honesty, I figured I should mention that today is the first time I've been aware how scared I am. Throughout this whole process, I guess I've sort of convinced myself that since we've gone the donor egg route and our problem was my eggs and I've been pregnant before, that there was only one way that this could end. Happily with a big fat positive pregnancy test. But seeing that stark white test this morning reminded me that there is another possible outcome. This is just not something I'm comfortable mentioning or even thinking about for too long, because we've all gone to such great lengths to get here.

We got over the fact that we couldn't use my eggs. We put my sister through the wringer. We put our family and friends through all these ups and downs and now we have no control over the outcome and that really scares me. And to add insult to injury we have no idea how many, if any, frozen embryos we have left if this does go the other way.

I am still remaining positive. The odds are good. Damn good compared to our last few cycles. But I just felt like I was lying if I didn't write about how scary this all is.

I hope in a week I'll be able to laugh at how anxious I was. 

4dp5dt

Here is what is going on today, according to NYU Fertility Center:

"Implantation Continues"

Here is what is going on today, according to me:

- Wake up at 6am, lay in bed deciding whether or not to POAS for half an hour

- get up, POAS, squint, search and beg for a second line that never comes

- go back to bed. Google "4dp5dt, bfn, positive later" and several other versions of that

- feel much better after finding data suggesting what I already know. Too early to test

- grab and smoosh breasts to see if they are sore, which they are, probably from checking them to see if they are sore

- lay in bed wondering if the mild cramping is from digestion or early pregnancy

- get up, make breakfast, take a prenatal, a DHA, a Vitamin D, a baby aspirin and 2 Estrace

- go back to the bathroom. Fish the hpt out of the trash. Check for a line. Still no line. Not even a squinter. Definitely a BFN

- eat yogurt with granola while checking the Inspire website to see how my fellow infertiles are doing

- weigh myself. Notice I'm a few pounds lighter, make a mental note to google that  later to see if it's an early pregnancy symptom.

- take a shower, check body obsessively for any sign of pregnancy. 

- whine about major lower back pain. Wonder if that's also a symptom. (It is!)

- now dry hair. Text sister about bfn. She's more nervous than I am. Send her said data about being too early.

- get in car. Drive to acupuncture to get babies to implant.

- during acupuncture able to focus on something other than potential pregnancy for approximately 3 Mins. great success.

- have lunch with J and mom. Talk about how I'm feeling. Wonder whether I am pregnant.

- get home and start blogging about how much I am thinking about whether or not I'm pregnant.

- remember to google weight loss in early pregnancy. (Also a good sign!)

- mayyyybe start folding the clean laundry that's been piled up for a week?!

- spend the rest of the day trying not to think about the only thing I'm able to think about

- watch Law & Order SVU while I pass out from the progesterone.

- wake up on 5dp5dt and start all over again. Only tomorrow, I won't start by POAS!!

3dp5dt - update

I'm losing my will power already. I have done the math. I have exactly 7 dollar store pregnancy tests in my bathroom closet. That means I could start tomorrow and have one for each day leading up to the beta test.

Tomorrow is insanely early and would almost definitely be negative, but of course Dr. Google has shown me many women who have had their BFPs (Big Fat Positives) at 4dp5dt, which means that OF COURSE I should start testing tomorrow...right?! NO!  That is so early and would just be disappointing...unless I remind myself that it will probably be negative. Then I won't be crushed when it's negative. But if I KNOW it's going to be negative, I shouldn't do it!  But it COULD be positive.

Oh God. I'm going crazy!! And it's only been 3 days!!

Also, to those wondering how I'm feeling, my lower back really hurts, I'm a little crampy, slightly bloated with a heavy feeling in my uterus, and I'm completely unable to concentrate on any other thing than how this will end. Ugh.

Babies' first portrait

Here are our two beautiful expanded blasts. These are photos of photos so the quality isn't the best. I enhanced a couple and left one unaltered. As you can see one of them is already hatching (the one with the growth coming out of it). One is grade AB and one is BB. Here they are:

2dp5dt

Today I am 2 days post 5 day transfer (or in infertility site jargon, 2dp5dt). I've felt a few little twinges in my uterus, but nothing too telling. All my other symptoms are the same as before my transfer. They can all be attributed to the progesterone, the Estrace, or both.

According to a timeline I found online, this is what is happening today:

The blastocyst continues to hatch out of its shell and begins to attach itself to the uterus

I've been visualizing the little embryos hatching and attaching all weekend. 

Been thinking of nicknames for the little embryos too. I'm leaning toward Thing 1 and Thing 2. J calls them Bert and Ernie. My mother calls them Itchy and Scratchy. Any other suggestions?

I was lucky enough to have J's aunt, a Nurse, administer my PIO shots the last few nights while he was out. No disrespect to J, but it was so much better coming from a professional! No soreness at all! Tonight, I am in J's hands, so wish me luck! ;)

Nothing else to report. I've been taking it easy. Googling and counting the days till I can test.

Transfer day!

Today is the big day.

My mother met us at the clinic, so that she could take Little T on a short adventure while we did our thing. 

I'm here now. I read all the forms, while drinking the requisite 3 cups of water. They just brought me warm blankets to wear and a glorious Valium that I took happily. Loooove the Valium. 

Now I'm sitting in the waiting area, warm and cozy, a little loopy, sipping my water waiting for our time to go in and find out about how many embryos we have and how they are doing. 

I have to take a moment here to say how extraordinary the nursing staff is here. They are warm and kind and genuinely happy and hopeful for you. They remembered us from last week and made sure to ask about how my sister was doing. They expressed their hope for our success and even gave me a little hug. It just feels really nice to be so excited and have them reflect that excitement and make you feel like your success matters to them.

Ok, I'll pick this back up once the transfer is over. Eeeeee so excited!! 

.............

 We just finished our transfer of two "beautiful blasts" one was AB and one was BB and one of the two was hatching, which is a really good sign! 

The whole procedure didnt take more than 20 minutes. We went in with a very full bladder. They checked my wrist band several times to make sure it was me. Then they checked my bladder via ultrasound. Ugh. Not fun having someone push on your bladder when it's full. Then they brought us a picture of the embryos and ran them through the catheter into my uterus. They called the procedure perfect and everybody seemed really impressed with the quality and state of the blasts, which fills me with hope that at least one and maybe two will implant. 

We asked how many were leftover. They only freeze the very best, so they told us that we have 4 in the running to be frozen. They will watch then for another day and then freeze the ones that are eligible. We asked if someone would call us, but apparently we have to wait for a letter in the mail about a week from now. Ugh. More waiting. But we're hopeful that we'll have some in the freezer!

Now I'm off to acupuncture to give these babies the best chance to stick!

I'm sure I'll be updating throughout the week to let you know how I'm doing during this terrible wait. My beta is scheduled for 1/20. So, we'll know for sure then! Any and all prayers, hopeful vibes and warm thoughts are so appreciated. 

Huge thanks to my amazing family, T in particular, who are gotten us this far. I can't wait to find out that it was all worth it!  

Oh and as of this minute, I'm am PUPO (Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise)! Hooray!!

Transfer scheduled for Day 5

Well, we made it past day 3!!! At last check yesterday we had 10 embryos still growing. Much to my horror, I found out this afternoon that I will not get any further updates on our beloved embryos until I show up on Friday for the transfer. We could show up and there could be one or ten or any number in between. That is terrifying to me. I hate the unknown. It was hard enough the first few days, having to wait until 3:30 for my updates. Now I have to wait 2 days! Ugh. I guess it's good practice for the dreaded 2 week wait.

Yesterday, I did acupuncture for the first time in months to ready my body for the transfer. It went very well. I felt relaxed and happy afterwards. I will try to schedule another acupuncture session for later on the day of the transfer. My acupuncturist said she'd do what she could to shift things around and squeeze me in.

In other news, my PIO shots have made my lower back/upper booty incredibly sore. I try to massage the site right after the injection and use a heating pad, but the truth is that it's just sore. 

My irritability is at an excruciating level. Especially for those living with me. And I've been falling asleep really early. Usually by 8:30 or 9:00. 

But otherwise, I'm still putting one foot in front of the other. That's all I can really do now. I'm hoping these next couple of days fly by! Actually, I'm really hoping these next couple of weeks fly by!

Day 2 embryo report

10 still growing strong.  They gave me an 11:30 appointment for tomorrow but when I asked she said they will almost definitely push me to Friday. I'll find out tomorrow morning. Keep praying for those embies to grow grow grow!!

Day 1 Embryo report

We have 11 embryos growing!! I am told this is an excellent number. We will still lose some each day, so I'm praying that many will survive until Friday.

They will call me today with an update on my embryos and an appointment time for Wednesday for our transfer. Then Wednesday morning they will call me before 8:30 am to let me know whether the transfer will be that day or Friday. This decision is made based on our quantity and quality of embryos. If we have many, great looking embryos left on Wednesday morning, they'll push the transfer to Friday.

I'm asking for a favor this time. We could use all the prayers and good thoughts for lots of healthy embryos. We'd really love to be able to have some to freeze at the end of the week, in case we need two tries to get this right. I don't want to put my sister through this again and I don't think we can afford to even if she would do it. 

So, all our eggs are in this basket. Any prayers are so appreciated. Thank you!!

Retrieval day

It's been a long morning already. I had a terrible time trying to sleep. I'm not sure if I was nervous about this morning or reacting to my first PIO shot last night, or more likely, a combination of the two.

We dropped Little T off at my MIL's house and went to Lexington for the procedure. We were a little too early, which meant more waiting than we would have liked, but better early than late I say. We arrived around 8:10 and we sat and joked and got T checked in. At 9:00, Jamie went and made his donation. Then at about 9:35 they walked T into the back room and we were asked to sit in the waiting room. 

So, that's where I am now. Thank God for iPhones. We are sitting around listening to the other couples around us who are also waiting and reading our phones.

I'm typing this, which is helping to pass the time. The waiting is always the worst part for me. I just can't wait to hear that T is doing great and we can go see her. I am also dying to hear that magical number, whatever it is, that will determine how we proceed. God, I hope it's a lot! J and I have taken guesses. He says 10. I say 15 (wishful thinking?). One way or another, we'll know soon. I'll be sure to update when we do. Time to go do some more waiting...

She's awake!!! We got 15!!!!! FIFTEEEEEEEN!!! So excited! Ok, gotta go take care of the patient!!

First PIO shot

Ahhhhh I'm kind of freaking out. We're about to do the first Progesterone in Oil injection. This is an intramuscular injection with a huge needle that goes in your upper buttocks (which is really almost your lower back, right where your love handles are). J just sterilized me. Annnnd....

Ooh. Quick pinch and then nothing. J says he's gonna throw up. I reminded him that first he needs to massage the area and then he's free to go throw up.   Pretty sure that was much worse for him than for me. Glad it's over...only 10 or so more weeks of daily PIO shots left... if we're successful, which we plan to be. ;)

Dying to find out how many eggs we have tomorrow. It's gonna be such a long week waiting for the call everyday to hear how our little embryos are doing. I can't wait to get started. Wish us luck!

Egg Retrieval is set for Sunday!

My sister's flights keep getting delayed, but so far neither is cancelled. Good thing because nurse Ann just called to say that we're a go for retrieval on Sunday!

Which is exciting, but also means a tricky plan for T. She will have to fly from Denver to Kansas City, mix her Gonal f and Menopur in one vial, mix her HCG in another vial while on her layover. Then board her flight to Boston. 

At exactly 9:25 pm EST she will inject the menopur and Gonal f. At exactly 9:30 pm EST she will inject the HCG, in the airplane bathroom, on her way to Boston. Poor girl. 

Then my parents will pick her up at Logan Airport in Boston at midnight (as of now).

Her estradiol is up to 1956, which means about 9 eggs are mature. She has a total of 18 follicles from 12-24 mm, so more of them could mature before Sunday (hopefully several). I realize I'm getting greedy now, but I want the best chance possible!

As for me, I will take my last shot of Lupron tonight, continue with the 6 mg of Estrace daily and the baby aspirin. Then tomorrow night will be my first intramuscular injection of PIO (progesterone in Oil). Totally nervous about that, but hopefully it'll be fine.

Then on Sunday morning, our Merry trio will head to Lexington for our Egg Retrieval at 9:30 am. J will provide his sample while T is having her eggs retrieved. I can't wait!

Meantime, think mature thoughts for the rest of those follicles!

My beautiful lining

 I had my bloodwork done yesterday. It took three pokes for her to realize that I was too dehydrated for my sludgy blood to be taken (ouch, ouch, ouch). After 6 very large cups of water (and after my super fun transvaginal ultrasound) I was finally able to give them some blood. (And had they needed it, I could have given them many urine samples). My estradiol was at a 307, which they are very happy with. And I'm told my lining was "beautiful at 10.5 mm." *blush* I don't mean to brag, but yes, my nurse thinks my uterine lining is beautiful. Try not to be jealous.

As for T, her estradiol levels are rising as they should. She was at 1716 yesterday. That meant that she had to start her Ganirelix last night to be sure she wouldn't ovulate too soon. Estradiol levels are said to show 200 for each mature follicle. She had 7 follicles on her left up to 19 mm in size and 9 on her right up to 16 mm in size. 

I spoke with her this morning and she said the ultrasound tech reported 9 follicles above 16 mm today. This is so exciting. That means 9 of them are at a size where they can/will be retrieved. And since follicles can grow up to 2 mm a day, we could have several more by the time of the retrieval. We're waiting for the nurse to call and tell us what to do next, but if I had to guess, I'd say they would trigger her tonight and do the retrieval on Sunday!

IN TWO DAYS!!!

I can't believe we're finally this close. I find that I am so nervous. I'm nervous that they won't time it right and the eggs will not be mature or they'll be too mature, or that there will be lots of follicles but no eggs. Or they won't fertilize properly. I'm nervous about T's flights being delayed or cancelled due to weather. I'm nervous about her taking the trigger shot at the wrong time because of the time zones. I'm nervous about everything that could go wrong, but deep down I just have a great feeling about this...somewhere under all that anxiety is hope. Way under it.

It's going to be a long week.

Oh but in the interest of good signs. We had a snow day here. J got to go in to work a couple hours late so he made us some eggs and bacon this morning for a special treat. One of the eggs had two yolks. Twins!! We're calling it a good sign.