Happy New Year's Eve!!

It is New Year's Eve, so I've absolutely been reflecting on the last year that we've been through. It was one year ago this week that I first called to make an appointment with the RE. What a roller coaster of a year!

January - DOR diagnosis

February - IUI Fail.

April- Approved for IVF

May - IVF converted to IUI, poor response

July-Sept - IVF #2. Made it to transfer (day 2) but still FAIL.

October - chose T as our donor. got started.

December - Started DE cycle.

There have been a lot of tough moments this year for us concerning infertility, but in the rest of our lives, we have had a lot to be excited about. We've made some truly amazing friends this year. Some we could really imagine being lifelong friends with. Caring, supportive, silly and incredibly fun friends. We've seen some of our old friends blossom and find their way in what they love to do. Our extended family has enjoyed good health and in some cases some really exciting success.

And now, one full year into our RE-led journey (5 years since we first decided to start a family), we will be doing something that finally has a great chance of letting us bring home the sibling(s) we have wanted for Little T. So, yeah, it's been a tough year, maybe the toughest. But looking back I think maybe it was for a reason. We now know how lucky we are to have the family and friends who have all put so much into this for us. Wanting, wishing, hoping and outright helping us to fulfill our dream of adding to our family. It's a year that has taught me personally how blessed I am and I'm thankful for that.

Tonight is New Year's Eve and I am really looking forward to spending it celebrating with our beloved new friends, reflecting on how we made it through 2013 and focusing on all the hope we have for 2014.

Our results are reflective of that hope.

My Estradiol is up to 204, double what we needed it to be. I will continue taking 10 units of Lupron, 1 baby aspirin, and tomorrow I will up my dose to two Estrace three times a day.  I go back on Thursday morning for my bloodwork and ultrasound to check my lining.

T had an Estradiol level of 533. She currently has 10 follicles at 10 mm or greater and 8 follicles at less than 10 mm. She will also go back on Thursday morning to see what has changed. She will continue her Gonal f and Menopur at the same dose (150 and 75 respectively).

Oh and that Nor'Easter for Thursday?  Yeah, I see you. I'm ignoring you.  It's a new year. New reason to hope that nothing will get in our way.

Happy New Year, everyone!

A snowstorm?! Really?!

Argggh the waiting. Well, tomorrow we'll know how T's ovaries are reacting to the meds. With any luck it's all going smoothly.

She reports feeling very bloated, full and tired. With some stomach aches. I'm hoping this means that her follicles are growing, but I also hope they're not growing too fast!  I guess that is what we'll find out tomorrow. It makes me feel so guilty thinking of her being so uncomfortable for us. She knows it's all for a good cause, and my hope is that it will be a successful one!

T is supposed to fly home on Friday in order to be here for whenever the retrieval will be this weekend or next week. Found out today that there's a snowstorm that is supposed to arrive on Friday as well. All I can say is, Mother Nature, please be kind.

I'll follow up with our results from tomorrow's bloodwork (for both of us) and ultrasound (for T).

Until then...thinking happy egg thoughts.

More side effects

Since starting the Estrace I've had some trouble sleeping which makes me tired during the day. My mood swings have been particularly nasty as well. I find that the smallest thing can set me off. Like for example, when my aunt repeatedly invites me to play Candy Crush, causing my phone to buzz over and over, making me want to go to her house, unplug her internet and ask her never to contact me again. That kind of irritability has been a staple the last week or so, so it could be the lupron, the estrace or even the pill when I was taking it, who knows! I just wish it would stop.

And when you're dealing with a toddler who is trying to kick the pacifier habit and potty training at the same time, it's not good to be so short on patience. Hopefully, I'll be back to normal soon enough!

As for T, she has reported a headache this morning and feeling slightly as though she's hungover despite not drinking any alcohol. I told her to drink more water and let me know if it gets worse. When I was cycling I got very bad headaches and they prescribed Fioricet which helped immensely. 

Hopefully her headaches will improve and not get worse. I'll keep you posted.

T's first injection

So yesterday T and I each had appointments.

Mine was for bloodwork to check my estradiol level. They wanted it to be above 50 and mine was at 94.4 so I will stay with 10 units of lupron and double my doses of estrace as planned (2 mgs twice daily), plus continue one baby aspirin a day. I go back on Tuesday to check bloodwork again. Our nurse says we're looking for around 100 on Tuesday. Considering I'm already at 94.4 and I'm doubling my dose, I hope that will be easy!

As for T, she had her baseline bloodwork (which was all just what it should be, she's sufficiently suppressed), and her ultrasound, which showed 30 follicles!!! If this is any indication of the amount of eggs she could produce then I am beyond thrilled. The real test will be to see what her follicles look like on Tuesday, to see what her response is to the meds and adjust the dosage accordingly.

Until Tuesday, T will be mixing 150 Gonal f, with 1/2 cc of water, with 75 units of menopur so that she only has to do one injection a night. She and I walked through it together last night, with her boyfriend, S, and they did a great job. It was a big success! So tonight she'll be doing it without my guidance. This control freak is a little nervous about not being privy to the shot, but I have total confidence in T and S to get it done properly. 

Now all I have to do is wait until Tuesday, New Year's Eve. Ugh. 3 more days! 

Today is Cycle Day 1

I went in for bloodwork this morning and I'm told they were hoping for an estradiol level of under 50. I crushed it. Coming in at a terrific 27.9. This means that I'm sufficiently suppressed and ready to start my Estrace (1mg twice daily), dial down my Lupron to 10 units, and start taking the baby aspirin J bought for me. They consider this to be my CD1.

Next step will be when T and I each go in on Friday. Her for bloodwork and ultrasound to check her levels and her follicles (I'm hoping for lots!). I just go for bloodwork to check my estradiol again. 

My last birth control pill was on Thursday. Within 2 days my weight had gone back down, the bloating was gone and my breasts felt like mine again. Hooray! On the bummer side, I've had bad low back pain since, just like I get when I'm PMSing and I spotted for a couple days before a full flow started on Sunday. I'm told this is very normal.

I can't say I'm looking forward to the side effects from the Estrace, but hopefully it won't be too bad. I'll make sure to update about that.  

Meantime, have a wonderful and Merry Christmas! I know I will! We have a lot to be happy about! 

Uterus gets the green light!

I'm very happy to report that the hysteroscopy was a huge success. For those wondering. My doctor used a speculum, then fed a camera through my cervix into my uterus to see if there was anything that would prevent the embryos from attaching. I felt a little bit of pressure and the whole uncomfortable procedure was over in less then 3 mins. I couldn't believe how quick it was. Thankfully and the doctor found that everything looked great! So, we've made it past another hurdle. I'll continue with my lupron and birth control until my blood test on Monday!

Oh also, T got her box of meds today. She was amazed at the amount of needles, syringes, etc. I remember feeling the same way during my first cycle. But it really gets easier each day. I'll make sure to walk her through each of her meds her first time, so she feels comfortable doing it herself. Thank God for Skype and FaceTime!

2 more side effects

I forgot to mention that I have definitely noticed way more zits than I usually have especially at this time in my cycle, so that is from the Birth Control.

The other side effect I discovered when I stepped on the scale. I am absolutely gaining weight. I haven't been this high since I was post-partum. I still think I look ok, but it is really difficult to see that I'm up 12 lbs since last year at this time. Now, luckily, it's more of an aesthetic than a health issue, because I'm not technically overweight. It's just a bummer. But I just keeping reminding myself that this will all be worth it in the end!

Side Effects and the next step.

I wanted to make sure that I documented some of the side effects. A lot of this may be TMI, but I want people who find this blog while searching for information about this process to know what they're in for, so here goes.

I've been on the birth control for over a week now (today is day 11), and the side effects that I can attribute to those pills are very, very sore breasts. They've grown some too. Same cup size but I definitely runneth over, which, anyone who knows me can attest, is not the norm. I am normally a smallish B, now I would say I'm a B+ haha, but with lots of nipple sensitivity and breast soreness.  Not such a bad side effect, especially for my sweaters!

The next would be a quick temper/moodiness. I get very over-stimulated fast if there are a lot of loud noises (TV is on, toddler is screaming, husband is talking, dogs are barking/whining). If that happens I get so tense I have to leave the room to chill out. Normally, I don't love all the chaos at once, but I can totally calm myself down. On these meds, I feel like I have way less control over my emotions.

Stomach issues. This one downright stinks. When I eat, let's just say it's generally followed shortly after by an unpleasant trip to the bathroom. I don't think I need to elaborate on this. :)

I started the Lupron on Friday, and thankfully, I have not noticed any new symptoms that I can attribute to this drug. Although, I did have one hot flash, and I know that's a known symptom of the Lupron, but otherwise, it's been easy peasy.

Tomorrow I have my hysteroscopy. I am very nervous about it. It's pretty much make or break for us. If everything looks good, then we move on. If not, we will have to take action (to remove any deal-breakers in there). If that's the case, it may push us back a month and there's no way I want to start all this over again. For Taylor's sake alone. She's put a lot into this and gone out of her way more than I even thought she would have to. I'm asking so much of her, I just don't want it all to be in vain. So hopefully, tomorrow will go smoothly and we'll be off to the races!  Wish me luck!

First stick

I just gave myself the first Lupron injection. 20 units. I haven't injected myself in a few months, but it's just like riding a bike...except totally unpleasant and it stings a little. Or at least it did this time. Really, though, it was very easy and went smoothly. Hopefully, that continues. Yay for getting to the next step!

Christmas gifts purchased. Meds ordered. Bank account drained.

Well, I finally finished all of my Christmas shopping today, just in time for the infertility pharmacy to call and collect the rest of our money.

My meds will be delivered on Thursday. It will be like my very own Christmas. Tearing open the box to see all the colorful pills, shiny syringes, cute little gauze pads and big, fancy sharps containers. Eeeee! I can hardly contain my excitement. Santa's little elves have nothing on Big Pharma!

Not sure T will feel the same way about her package, but hopefully it wont scare her too much.

Also talked to one of the lawyers who works for my uncle. She is getting our paperwork taken care of and we will have another family friend look over it as T's lawyer and then we'll be done with the legality of it all.

The other thing I didn't mention yesterday is that the doctor scared the heck out of me about putting back two embryos. All of these statistics that are designed to scare us out of considering having twins. I know that multiple pregnancies are more risky, but I think (or I thought) it was worth the risk. After a day and a half of research and thinking about it, I'm still leaning toward transferring two embryos. Most twins are born just fine. As you can probably tell, I'm still a little bit conflicted. I'd love to have twins. I want twins, but not at the risk of losing them. I have some time to think about it, so I'll keep going back and forth I'm sure. 

Coordinating this cycle is starting to feel like a part-time job. I'm putting so many hours into talking to pharmacists, family members, lawyers, nurses, doctors, and assistants, I'm hoping this all slows down soon. Because I have to get back to focusing on being Mommy to my little T, and being a wife to my husband, and committing to my real job, and cleaning the house, and doing the laundry, oh and also trying to fit some exercise in there somewhere.

It's going to be a hectic month, but hopefully we'll never have to do it again!

Flights are booked. No turning back now.

Today was very stressful, doing all the coordinating to make sure all the moving parts are in order, but it was totally worth it, because... 

We signed the papers. We have our calender. We're starting the cycle.

T got her first week at her new job pushed back a week so that she will be able to come home for the retrieval. She'll stay in Colorado until January 3rd, at which point she will fly home to Boston to cycle til she is ready for her retrieval. Once she's ready, we'll take her eggs out, fertilize them and transfer those babies over to me.

My brother M generously offered to use his miles to fly her home for the procedure, which means we only had to pay $33 for the round trip tickets!  I can't explain how blessed I feel to have all these amazing siblings. My mother has been a tremendous help to me. Talking me down when I'm stressed and just generally being supportive and amazing. I can't really thank any of these people properly. I just can't wait to see the joy on all of our faces when we have tangible evidence of the love in our family.

There's more good news too! I actually have some of the medication that T needs left over from my pathetic cycles earlier this year, which means I can ship those to her. We still have to buy some of the meds that I don't have, but we're lucky to be saving a few dollars here and there. It all adds up!

So far I can't tell if I've had too many side effects from the Birth Control. I do seem to be up a couple pounds, but I've been indulging in holiday treats and beverages, so that could be either. I also have noticed a few pimples popping up, but nothing too bad and thankfully I'll only have to take the pills for about 3 weeks. I start the Lupron on this Friday, the 13th! I'm actually so excited to be moving forward, I'm fine with whatever side effects these meds bring, so long as they do what they're supposed to as well!

Next week I also have to have a Hysteroscopy. That's when they take a camera and get a nice shot of my uterus, to make sure that there are no polyps, fibroids or other creatures in there that could mess with our chances of getting these babies to stick. Not something I'm really looking forward to, but you do what you gotta do.

Then in a few weeks, 12/23, I'll start the Estrace and Baby Aspirin. They will help to bring blood flow to my uterus and get it ready for implantation. I take more and more until T is ready for the retrieval. Once she's ready, I will start the Progesterone and continue the Estrace. The progesterone shots are intramuscular, which I haven't done yet. Means injecting myself in the booty. Because of the tricky position required for that shot, I may need help. I hope J is up for the task.

Then I'll be ready for transfer and I'll continue those two meds hopefully into my tenth week of pregnancy. (I refuse to explain what happens in the event that it doesn't work, because I'm not acknowledging that possibility at this time, I'm sure you can understand).

T's cycle is a little different. She will take the Birth Control pills until the 12/27, then she'll start taking Gonal F and then ganirelix. She'll go for monitoring (bloodwork &ultrasound) on day 5 of the meds. On day 8 of the meds she will fly to Boston and likely have monitoring every other day after that. Leading up to the retrieval it will eventually be daily. Then she'll be ready for her retrieval when her follicles are the correct size. The estimated date for now is around Jan 7th. Less than a month from now!  Which is so exciting!

The ultimate irony

In order to get this infertile girl pregnant, we first must take some birth control. Yup, that's right. Today, I took my first birth control pill since 1996. Man, I hope I don't get any side effects from them. I didn't love it back when I was 16, but I'm hoping it's changed a lot since then.

They let me start the pills after I had some bloodwork done. I had to redo my labs from last year. Surprisingly my numbers were actually a lot better this time around. Too bad it doesn't seem to make me any more fertile! Oh well, I don't need my crusty old eggs any more! Hopefully, I'll have brand spanking new young and fertile eggs in a month or so. Santa, all I want for Christmas are some shiny new eggs!

We're still not sure about the scheduling issues, but we will know on Monday once we see the doctor and sign the papers. She will then give us our calendar and we will see if T needs to move her work start date at her new job (or if she'll be able to) or if we'll get pushed back a month.

We know what I'm hoping for. And I'm trying to stay positive about it. The nurse said that she thinks T will have to fly home to Boston on January 4th. That just seems perfect to me. Start the new year with a new, very hopeful cycle. 

Oh and I'm very excited to report that my uncle is willing to help us, which will save us over a grand. So grateful for so many loving and generous family members!

Anyway, I'll have more updates on Monday! Have a great weekend!

Time to panic

Wow. Ok, so there's a lot going on here. I'll try to get it all down.

First of all, T came home last week for her testing and everything went great. The counselor seems to think that our situation is going to work out well for everyone. And that's even after hearing our sarcastic banter. Phew. Also, our doctor thinks she will produce lots of viable eggs which should give us an excellent chance and some leftovers to try again if it doesn't work the first time. Hooray for leftovers!

They also told us on Wednesday that we need to get a legal agreement...in the next 2 weeks!! This is another $1250 out of our pockets. With Christmas coming up, a dog who is very ill, a daughter who is growing like a weed and countless other expenditures not to mention all the infertility money, things are getting tight and it's been really stressful for J and me. So, with that in mind, I called my uncle, a lawyer, for help. He said he knows someone who went through this and will ask them and get back to me. I really wish they had told us this before. Like I said, we're on a clock, because from the time I start the birth control pills we have 2 weeks to have an agreement done. Eek. I'm still waiting to hear back from him whether he can help or whether we'll have to see someone who specializes in this ($1250). I'm really hoping he can help and hopefully at a nice family discount (read: free). I am his God daughter after all.

Ok, so then T got her cycle day 1 (cd1) on Saturday, which started the clock for her. I waited patiently for my (late) cd1 and finally it showed up this morning. I've never been so happy to see my Aunt Flow (or AF in infertility site jargon). It really is surreal when for the last five years off and on (whenever I wasn't pregnant) I was dreading that tell tale sign that another month was headed down the drain, literally. Well, not this time. I basically did a happy dance. Let's get this show on the road. So, I called the nursing team who called back and told me I will have to go in for labs on Friday (insurance requires it) and then I'll be able to start my birth control pills on Friday. Something I haven't seen since I was in high school. 

Ok, as I was typing this there have been more changes. Turns out that my sister's relocation to another state during our cycle may mean we have to wait another month. I am devastated at the idea of having to wait another month. I'm currently waiting to get the exact dates from my sister so that I can bring them to my nursing team so that we can decide whether we can make it work this month. Oh and I just got the call from my husband that my dog has to go back to the vet to see if he will be able to live a little longer or if we'll have to put him down. Damn. This really sucks. Well, I should have more news today or tomorrow. Hopefully it'll be good news. All these setbacks are just so hard. I just want so much for this all to work out. I can feel the air just being sucked out of me. I hope I'll be able to remain positive and just keep moving forward, but man, I just wish something would go right.