Getting In Sync

It's getting closer and closer to the time where this will actually start happening, which is beyond exciting. So much so that I'm pretty sure my sister, husband, and friends are sick of hearing about it from me. I can't really think about much else. In fact, last week I started to panic. I had a last minute, cold feet moment and started looking at this whole process as insane. What am I doing?  Why am I spending a huge chunk of our savings trying to grow my family when I have a perfectly wonderful little daughter in a house that fits the three of us, without great debt or money problems? What if one of us loses our job after we get pregnant?  Then we'd have two or possibly three children to feed?  Where will we put this new addition?  Our house will need upgrades, can we afford them (especially after all we've spent thus far on trying to get pregnant again)?  All of this hit me like a thunderbolt.  I took all of my fears and anxiety to J, as I always do, and he calmly reminded me that I'm crazy. I'm just looking for something to worry about, because it seems like everything is going smoothly and I'm just not used to that with infertility. I'm trying to find the bad. And I need to stop. Like now. So thankfully after some tears, a glass of wine, and a nice 8 hours of sleep, I was wondering why I had been freaking out at all the night before.

So, now I'm feeling really great. I talked to T and she and I happen to be expecting our periods within 2-3 days of each other in about a week. This is so exciting, because the whole idea of the first part of our cycle is to sync up, and it seems like nature wants to help out (for once)!  So, because I'm me and I needed to find something to worry about, I then worried that because we would be starting our periods the week before J and I go in to sign papers and make this official, we would miss that cycle and have to start up in another month. I called my lovely Donor Egg Coordinator, who must be sick of hearing from me, and she assured me that if we let the doc know when we go in for T's testing and our group counseling session on Wednesday, there's a good chance that the doc will let us sync up this cycle. She said we don't necessarily have to sign the papers before the sync up starts.  Do you know what that means?...

WE MIGHT BE STARTING NEXT WEEK! 

I'm trying (and failing, as you can see), not to get my hopes up, because a lot of things have to happen before next week in order to start (and it's a holiday weekend, gobble gobble), but I'm so hopeful that it will work.

My friend is reading The Secret and keeps telling me to just think like it will happen and the universe will provide (or something like that), so that's what I plan to do. We WILL be starting our sync up next week. AHHHHH!  Woo.

Well, I'll try to update this weekend about how our counseling and T's testing goes on Wednesday. I'm so very excited. All this is happening AND it's my favorite holiday, AND all my siblings are going to be in town this week, AND my amazing group of friends from high school is planning on a mini-reunion this weekend. I think it's very appropriate that it's Thanksgiving week, because I have SO much to be thankful for.

Counseling

Yesterday, J and I went for our counseling session. This is a counselor who is a part of our clinic's team. She specializes in infertility concerns and has met with many, many couples and individuals who have used both known and anonymous egg donors. In our case, most of the focus was on the relationship between me and my sister and my husband and my sister. How using her eggs might affect our relationship and her future relationships. We were asked about family history as well. I found many of those questions to be difficult but the most difficult were the ones pertaining to my sister's future fertility. What if she had fertility problems later in life? What if something happened in our cycle to hurt her fertility (very highly unlikely and has never happened at our clinic, ever) but what if? What if she married someone later who took issue with it?

It just underlines one of the most frustrating things about infertility in general and that is the utter lack of control we have in all of this. I want this all to go well and for my relationship with my sister and with my husband to get even stronger and for T to be able to have her own children when and with whom she wants...without any struggle. I want my future children to be close with all their aunts and uncles, especially their special aunt T.  Obviously I have no control over any of this, but those are my hopes.

So, our counselor was happy with how open we have been with our family and close friends. She says that's a great sign that we are truly ready for this and realistic about it. She said she thinks that our situation so far sounds ideal. My sister will meet with them the day before Thanksgiving and we'll see what they say about her, but so far, it's looking great.

Now if only we could speed up this process! That's the hardest part still. Everytime I see a pregnant woman or hear another pregnancy announcement it stabs at me. I just want to move on from all of this. And have one or two more healthy children to show for it. Patience has always been tough for me. But I do finally believe it will happen. So that helps a lot.